Jenny and Junior.
more, about the girl with the perfect body.
Read this first: Jenny
The following story has to do with heavy themes.
Read with caution.
When she was a kid, she shared a bed with her grandmother, not intentionally, she was a sicker baby, her mother couldn’t handle the weight.
At night, she would always fall asleep on the fleshy part of her arm, she would play with her wrinkles on her hands wondering how skin could get so thin. She always wondered, thought outside of the box.
When Jenny was 8, her mother took her away. She couldn’t do much, she didn’t hate her mom, but she hated the way she made her feel. Incorrect lines became detrimental fines.
Jenny would beg to visit her grandmother more often than not. She missed her hugs, the kisses on her cheeks, the giggles from playful tickles. She doesn’t know what she’d do without her.
There was moments she would argue with her grandmother, she used to slice herself open when there was enough hurt coursing through her veins. She would breathe in those moments. She couldn’t breathe till she felt the blade tear her skin. In the moment she would feel floaty, above the hurt. Afterwards she’d feel regret. Mainly that she was weak enough to have words affect her so much. But really, at having to figure out how to wear bracelets without being obvious.
When she lies on a strangers chest after letting them tear her apart, she remembers being five years old and playing with her grandmothers hand. She tries not to annoy the strangers she finds in night clubs. She tries not to fall in love every time, but it’s harder sometimes. She sees every stranger as a child, knowing the scowl they wear on their face is a fence built from unshed tears.
When Jenny met junior, she made a plan to figure out how to die quietly. Away from others. Peacefully. Join her grandmother in heaven. He saved her that day. She never told him until years later, never wanting to make him feel he had to stay.
The night they met, after Jenny fell asleep in Juniors arms, it felt like technicolor in her dull world. Sweetness, never occurred in her life. Dull is the only thing she knew.
She woke up face still in his chest, he’s awake, stroking her hair with delicate ease. She doesn’t move, doesn’t want to, she closes her eyes again, not wanting to leave. She remembers the events of the day before, the bad dye job, the frozen yogurt, meeting Alice and Junior, how he bathed her but didn’t use her.
He trails his fingers under her shirt, but not in a way to make her startle, but an acknowledgment of her skin meeting his. She ends up falling asleep again, her eyes growing heavy, it’s an hour till afternoon, he’s not in bed anymore. He’s tucked her in, let her sleep, she doesn’t feel sore, so he must be clean. He wasn’t dirty like the others.
She opens her eyes, and looks around the room. Counts the painting with a different point of view. The glow of the night making it look cloudy and gloom, but in the light it’s filled of something to bloom. She sits up after a minute, her eyes dry, her mouth full of cotton. Her ears stop ringing, he hears him singing, his voice out of tune, but soft enough where it holds truth. She looks over at the expensive piece of furniture next to his bed. He’s left a glass of water. She sucks the glass dry. She wanders in the kitchen after a few minutes, not knowing what to find. Junior is a stranger she trusted enough to bathe her, and cradle her in his bed.
She smiles when she sees him. Warm, unguarded, no teeth, blush in her cheeks. Junior’s still half-naked, his plaid pants clinging to his hips. He’s slender, but plush, enough softness to make her flushed. He sees her, and smiles softly. She doesn’t say anything. Smiles back, the pink on her cheeks spreading to her ears. He has glasses on, she’s doesn’t know if it’s because of the afterglow, or the lack of walls he owns.
She sits on the couch, watches him bounce around. She’s not naked, she’s never woken in an another man’s house and not be naked. Every man. Every woman. Every person she’s been with, lack of consent or not, she woke up naked. Some used her while she slept. She’d wake up sometimes during, but she let it happen, it felt good anyways, might as well let them.
There was an instant, where she met a stranger at a bar. She went to the bar to get over her ex-girlfriend. Dressed, with intent of wanting to be held, even if she had to let another put their body inside hers. She had cloudy eyes, and red nails. Her and a man. He had a scar on his neck, and pants that didn’t hide the blood flow of the appendage between his legs. Jenny, let them buy her drinks. After the third she doesn’t remember much. She woke up with a sore bottom. When she used a public restroom at the park the morning after, there was blood. They tore something. She had to sit on ice for weeks. She still isn’t sure what they did to her. She could’ve reported it. Went to the hospital. But, she’s done it before, got swabbed by gloved hands, and avoided eye contact to people in scrubs. She didn’t want the nurses and doctors to learn her by name.
“Hey, Jenn?”
She startles a little, not realizing she dozed into the memory that wasn't quite fond. She blinks, trying to shake it off. “Sorry.” She whispers, trying to not let her voice give her away. He smiles with slight concern, but doesn’t push yet. He’s holding two mugs, hot, steamy borderline a hazard for burns. She reaches out for the mug he’s offering and sips. She saw the coffee bar set up he has, one of those overpriced sets that people who can’t afford it buy, thinking it will save them money, but still goes to buy an iced coffee a few times a week. She knows he bought it with different intention. He can tell by the way he moves it might’ve been a hobby he picked up between being a doctor and dad, something just for him.
“Sorry! Okay, um, I am just still half awake, thank you for the coffee, the bath, the sleep, the water, the—” She half-laughs, almost like she chokes on her own spit. “The, well: you.” He has an incredulous look that appears on his face, thankful he listened to his daughter the day before to help the crying girl on the park bench. “You do realize, you don’t have to thank me for treating you with basic human decency right?” He says this softly, making sure to come off sincere.
Jenny realizes in the moment, that is exactly what she just did. He treated her like a human being, and it seems detrimental. She could be sad over it, but she’s just thankful to have found him. She finally nods in response, then sips the coffee. She moans lightly, it’s heavenly. He added some type of cinnamon, hints of vanilla, something else she can’t place. It’s warm, it’s new, it’s a gift. After a comfortable silence.
“Okay, but, I am going to thank you for this wonderful coffee if that’s okay?” She says that with an attitude, teeth bearing with a smirk. He just nods. “Tell me about your daughter.”
His eyes jump with light. “She loves peanut butter, she is her own person, despite her mom and I being in the medical field. She loves art, has an obsession with Andy Warhol out of everyone, but listens to Sabrina Carpenter and cries? I love her dearly, she’s my life.”
Jenny doesn’t break eye contact with him. “I’m sorry if this is direct, can I kiss you, please?” She doesn't know why her self control lost after he talked about his daughter, maybe it was because of the way he wanted him to be the father to her kids, but that’s for another day. He chokes on his smile, puts his coffee down. “Yes.”
He doesn’t move. Lets her control it. He can tell by the faded scars on her hips, control wasn’t always given to her. She gets up, and stands, sets the coffee down. She crawls on top of him, straddles him. He wraps his arms around her, not forceful, but grounding. She traces the line of his neck with her fingertips, down his chest, down his stomach, she whines a little overwhelmed by his beauty, the safety she feels by this person she has met less than 24 hours ago. She’s still clothed, the baggy t-shirt and boxers he gave her now smells just like her. She glides her fingers back up to his neck, traces his eyes, then thumbs at his lip, he opens his mouth letting her place her finger in his mouth, he sucks on them slightly. “Fuck.” Is the word that she manages under her breath. He takes out her thumb, kisses his eyelids, cheeks then his lips. Her hands cradle his head, and neck, feeling the warmth under her fingers. He finally moves, grabbing her tight. The kiss starts slow, gradual. He flicks his tongue at her lips, and she opens her mouth, and grinds on instinct. She needs him, badly. His hands on her waist grip tighter, and he gets up with her in his lap, she gasps feeling her body be lifted. She separates the kiss for a moment, mouths at his ears, his neck, her nails digging into the skin underneath her fingertips. She feels the bed reach her back, his weight off of her. She looks up at him, breathless, pupils so dark you could float in them forever.
He asks a question she has never heard from anyone.
“What do you want?”
She doesn’t know what to say. What does she want? She wants him to be inside of her. She wants him to kiss her, over and over again. She wants him to never leave. She wants whatever she can get. “Can I just have you?” He doesn't know what to say, so she holds his hand out for him. “Please?” He takes her hand, unsure, he resembles an apprehensive puppy, not sure if he’s allowed to indulge on his treats. He crawls on top of her this time, she feels him through the platted pajama pants he has on, he doesn’t grind down, he starts off sweet, kisses her skin so softly she gets goosebumps and shivers, she almost begs him to hurry up, but his lips meet her neck and she lets out a sigh of relief. He moves his hands under that t-shirt, not showing any intention to rip it off, just grabbing at the plush of her stomach, fingers then graze her nipples and she gasps. He notices, and looks up at her bearing his teeth, then mouths her breasts through her shirt. Christ. She whines “Take it off, please.” After an agonizing few minutes he does. He doesn’t waste time, like the sight of her body was a meal he’s wanted his whole life. “Bite them.” He does. She arches her back, digs her nails in his skin. He gives her a break, just resting his head on her stomach. She honest to god laughs, feeling insane at the way he just made her feel. She looks down at him, pets his head, he’s just watching her catch her breath, he kisses the skin on her stomach. She notices how’s he’s focusing on the odd divots made by fluctuation and a diseased body, he stops to read the words tattooed on her stomach.
He traces the inked word above her belly button. It’s not English. She waits for him to ask about it, he doesn't. She silently tears up, hoping he won’t notice, she’s never been able to choose. Whoever she lies in bed with takes what they want, he waits, he’s patient, he’s on, but he’s calm. “Jenny?” She nods, wipes at her eyes for a moment and looks down at him waiting. He repeats, “What do you want?” She covers her face a moment, he’s watching her, his pupils wide. “You want me to tell you?” Her voice cracks a little, he doesn’t flinch, but kisses her hip and caresses her sides giving her a moment. “Can you—” She shakes it off, the nerves trying to appear. “Ideally and please— okay, can you go further down, then maybe fuck me till I cry?” She goes red in the face, then uncovers her left eye. “Okay.” He says this, and she laughs, then she gasps. He mouths over the boxers her gave her, like he’s desperate to taste her. She tries to stay still but she squirms. “Please.” He pulls them down after her desperate words, and lets a breath out, blowing cool air over her groin. She barely recovers and he starts to kiss her folds, licks a stripe, then he sucks her bead. She loses it in that moment, whatever composure she had left. She watches him, he puts his fingers in her mouth this time while he’s licking her out, and she sucks, whines, gasps. She bites at the fingers, a silent beg. He looks up at her, and she says with a whine “Jesus, put those inside me, now.” He doesn’t give her time to breathe, and does just that. He curves his fingers immediately once they are inside, and her back arches, her thighs strangle him alive, and he thrives. Her hands grip at she sheets, then his head, his other hand reaches her breast and he kneads, and tweaks. She feels herself building up, she tries to warn him, but he must feel it too because he starts sucking the slightest bit harder, and relentlessly fucks his fingers in her, hitting the spot every time. She loses her voice, it sounds like a siren, she shakes, clenching around his fingers, he doesn’t stop until she squirms.
“Need you.” is the words she manages out. She doesn’t even know what she quite means, but he seems to understand. He puts his own fingers in his mouth, savoring the taste of her for a moment, then climbs back up the bed. He grabs her with intention, and she crawls into him, her head on his chest. She closes her eyes, breathing, she starts to speak, wanting to reassure him, he silences her by holding her a little tighter. At this time, she usually has to give the other head, equal deal and all.
But he only wants what she wants. She does start to cry, a little overwhelmed. He kisses her forehead, and lets her. After a few moments she looks up at him, kisses him slowly. She touches him this time, feeling the wave of need wash over her. She doesn’t ask about a condom, trusting him, she grinds a little but, listening to his soft gasps while she gently strokes him. She feels him swell under her grasp. She places her self on top of him, and sinks down slowly. She stills and waits, letting herself adjust a moment, her eyes closed. She opens them, looks at him, his eyes are glazed, infatuated— she rolls her hip for a moment and they both let out a profanity. She stills again, cradles his cheek and giggles, almost childlike. “Hi.” She says softly, he just smiles, breathes, like he’s lost for words. She starts to move her hips again, his hands meet her waist, encouraging her to take what she wants. She does, she moves in circles at first, then lies herself on top of him, bucking her hips, her clit rubs against his torso and she mewls in his ear. He turns his head, then bites her ear, suckles the lobe in his mouth, she actually screams a little, and stops a moment. Her motions getting tired. She moves slowly and lifts her body enough to kiss him hungrily, teeth biting at his lip, tongues getting lost, she whispers in his mouth “Fuck me, like you mean it— I want that.” He blinks up at her, his hair stands at ends saluting her, and he flips them over in one swift motion.
She doesn’t know how he managed it, but when she lands on her back he gives her a moment. He pulls out. Slowly he goes in, a little bit, then out, then slams his hips just right where all Jenny can do is gasp. He grabs her legs, bends her knees to her chest, making him go deeper, and he uses all of his force, he places one hand above her head to prevent her head hitting the headboard. The thrusts are slapping skin on skin, the amount of slick she’s producing making the room sound like animals are fighting for dominance. Her eyes roll in the back of her head, her hands start to grip at his hair and tear apart the skin on his back, she lets out a plea, not knowing what’s she’s asking for. She lets go a second time, the sound she makes sounds unnatural, deep from her soul, a fox would be envious. He releases a few moments after, the pulse of her around him becoming too much. She doesn’t think in that moment about the lack of birth control she’s on. He collapses on top her slowly, she is still in aftershocks, but caresses his body on top of hers blindly, he feels like a weighted blanket trying to bring her back to earth.
They lay there for a while, he goes soft inside her, and after what seems to be hours he pulls out, she almost whines missing how full she felt. He kisses her softly, and he gets up a moment, she frowns, the rejection boiling in her blood. He comes back with water, some snacks and rags.
Oh. He’s going to take care of her. He wipes any remnants of fluids on her, and kisses the spots of her after. He then sits on the side of the bed offers her crackers, and water, she nibbles then sips then wordlessly grasps out. She wants him to enfold her, he smiles satisfied that she nourished herself enough after climbing in the bed he usually sleeps alone in. She basically crawls into his body, shoving her face in his chest. She kisses at the skin, inhales the scent of him. Intoxicating her, she is acutely aware she reached a space she has only entered one other time in her life, she tries not to overthink it and lets him take care of her. She feels herself leaving it, and feels beaten up, she’s exhausted, she yawns, and attempts to get into his chest cavity, he doesn’t seem to mind. He never stops, trailing her hair, her skin, she does end up sleeping soundly. She wakes up a hour later, her head is heavy, the anticipation and orgasms getting to her.
He hasn't moved It seems, he’s awake reading a book she’s never heard of, something medical and pristine. What wakes her is a weight on her legs, it’s his cat, she never asked the name of the fuzzy orange animal. With a muddled voice, she mumbles with sleep still lingering “What’s the kitty’s name?” He startles a moment, not realizing she woke up, his free hand that was on her back taps it rhythmically and says “Alice named her Sabby… after Sabrina Carpenter.” He says it’s so matter-o-factly she barks out a cackle, and he smiles down at her. “I don’t mind it, it could’ve been something worse.” He adds after her laughter subsides, she says then to reassure him “No, no um— I named one of my dogs after a barbie doll, and my first cat after one of the Jonas Brothers, I was 9, her logic is very smart if you ask me.” She shifts a moment, and moves her body to the other side of his bed, grabs his hand to keep contact with him, and be able to observe him. She hasn’t been able to study him yet, the night before she was a vulnerable mess, and this morning she was so full of lust she couldn't breathe. He looks back at her as well, she notices his eyes, the sparkle in them something new. His hair is still thick, she’s guessing he’s middle age due to the gray roots he sports. His eyelashes are long, she finds it slightly irritating how luscious they are. He has the right amount of facial hair, but can see the irritation from where he shaves every few days for shifts at the hospital.
She reaches over to touch his face, and he closes the book to scoot down next to her, she doesn't kiss him, just admires. After a few minutes she says “I don’t want to ruin my welcome, when do you want me to leave?” She says this as stable as possible knowing this kind man wanted his big house back. He furrows his eyebrows and smiles softly “I actually— if you don’t have any plans of course, I want you to stay, Alice is with her mother, and I don’t have a shift till tomorrow morning and forgive me for being crass, but I want to get to know you and if you’d like to, let me have you again. So, stay? please.”
She ends up staying for the rest of the day, only ends up leaving so he can get some sleep before his 12 hour shift at the hospital. It isn’t foreign to her to walk home, and he insists on getting her a ride and after a push-pull then a very convincing kiss, the Uber arrives. He hugs her, kisses her head, sends her home with a hoodie that’s probably older than her. At some point he ended up washing the clothes he found her in, and wears the jeans home.
On the ride home, she smiles for the first time in weeks, not really knowing where this might end up, but enjoying it while it lasts. She gets home, strips her clothes off, showers and go to bed. She wakes up a few hours later, makes her now shitty coffee in comparison to the cup he made her the day before. He texted her it seems while she was sleeping, asking if she got home, she kicks herself forgetting to let him know she did. It’s reaching 9 a.m. so she knows he’s about two hours into his shift, she texts him anyways knowing he’ll respond when he can. She hates cooking so ends up making a bagel in the toaster, with too much cream cheese, and leftover sausage for protein.
They end up back and forth texting for a few weeks. Between his shifts, and her shifts, they haven’t seemed to align any plans, she doesn’t mind but does miss him a little more each day. She has had odd jobs since running away at 16, she’s trying to further her life and enrolled herself in the local college. One day in class, they end up talking about menstrual cycles in her anatomy class, she gets nauseous. She missed her period. She walks out of the lecture and excuses herself to the restroom and vomits in the nearest toilet she could find. After emptying her guts, she sits on the ground. She mostly feels guilty for missing lecture, she loves learning, always has. At the moment she can’t help but think of the possibility of a little bunch of cells sitting inside of her. She gets herself together before walking back to class, splashes cold water on her face, and doesn’t dare allow herself to pose in front of the mirror with her hand on her stomach. She’s close to the professor so she tries to ignore the express of concern that settles on her face for a moment when she comes back into class. She grabs the crackers in her bag and munches on them for the rest of class.
Once the professor dismisses everyone, she stops Jenny. It takes one look at her for tears to fill her eyes. Her professor is the mom she never had, they got close after Jenny went to her office hours and confessed her sins to her. The professor waits a moment, then sits in front of her and rests her hand on her shoulder. Mid-sob she says “I think I’m pregnant— you were talking about periods, and I missed mine a few weeks ago, but I have been studying, working, going to church and I have been kinda seeing this guy and he is the only one who could be the father— holy fuck we didn’t use a condom.” Jenny stops crying, instead starts to laugh, then covers her mouth knowing it is extremely inappropriate to laugh at this. Her professor then whispers “Jenny, is he good? the man you’ve been seeing?” Jenny nods, then smiles bashfully. “He has a daughter named Alice, she’s 12, we kinda met through her, he let her name the cat after Sabrina Carpenter, he’s a doctor, he um— I don’t think he recognizes me, or we haven’t spoken about it, but a few years ago he treated me in the ER and saved my life a little bit. He’s- he’s good, yeah.” The professor smiles at her, not prying, she only pried when needed. She squeezes Jennys hand, a silent tell of comfort.
After Jenny stopped crying and her professor hugged her goodbye she drove to her tiny apartment. When she got home she looked at her phone for the first time all day, Junior texted her an image of Alice with Sabby out of all things, she laughs and smiles. She doesn’t answer him yet, feeling a little disoriented she strips her clothes down to her panties and bra needing the outside air off of her. She crouches down in her bathroom finds a pregnancy test and pink hair dye. She cackles, Jesus, her being overly prepared for once has paid off. The blonde in her hair she got a few weeks ago is starting to bore her, and in order to entertain her effort to control something right now she opens the pink hair dye and puts it on random pieces, wanting a little extra flare. She wraps her head in an old grocery back to let the dye process, and stares down at the Clearblue box she bought a few months ago. After a small sigh, she opens it and urinates on the stick. She sets a timer and waits, wiping any remnants away. She sits on the old rug on the white tile, looking at the tattoo on her thigh, a quote from her favorite book, the floral ink cascading down to her shin. She contemplates what she’ll do if that dreaded stick ends up positive.
Surely it won’t, right? I mean they couldn’t keep off of each other for days. Wow. No condoms the entire time. He’s a fucking doctor, why didn’t he stop to think! Why didn’t I?
The timer goes off.
She lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding, and grabs at the stick blindly. She crosses her legs like a child, pretzel like, like waiting for her teacher in kindergarten to read the class a book. She looks after a prayer.
Pregnant.
It flashes at her. It might as well choke her out while it yells at her. She doesn't panic. She’s calm.
She calls him.
Junior is watching Alice do her homework at the table. She’s working on something with shapes, math? He’s not sure, he’s a doctor not a mathematician. He see’s Jenny calling and walks outside in the backyard for some privacy. He answers on the fifth ring.
“Jenny?”
“Hey, sorry I know you’re with Alice— how is she?”
Alice and Jenny haven’t seen each other since that day in the park, the day Alice told her dad to go help her.
“She’s great, she’s doing homework right now— Jen, how are you?”
“I’m okay, is there any chance when Alice goes to sleep I can come by for a little bit. I can leave before she wakes.”
It’s not that he doesn't trust her, Alice knows who Jenny is, but he swore he would never let someone meet Alice unless he knew of a permanence with them. They’ve only been able to coordinate once, and haven’t seen each other since and although they talk everyday he still wants a stable environment for Alice. Although he has a good feeling about Jenny, he still wants to protect Alice. After a moment he nods and says with bated breath. “She’ll be in bed by 8:00, she has some type of club in the morning she has to be up for early, come by then?” Jenny agrees.
She takes a photo of the test, sends it to her best friend then gets up to shower. She blasts some music as she showers, not minding the fallout her hair always does no matter how many vitamins she takes. After rinsing the dye out, she grabs the towel and wraps her hair in it. She does her routine for her skin and body, then looks up at herself for the first time since she got home. She tries to smile at her reflection, but she doesn’t know how to feel at this moment. She steps away from the mirror and turns to the side, the plush of fat that sits at her midsection isn’t much different but now she might have something inside her. She puts her hands on her stomach, and finally allows herself to look at her reflection, she’s still damp and sticky from the water and the lotion. She bites her lip. She never thought she was able to get pregnant. Illness. Even when she was assaulted and had to get swabbed she never got pregnant. She’s thankful for it of course. But she thought since then, it would never happen. Maybe that’s why she didn’t consider a condom with Junior. That true belief of a unfertile body always haunted her.
She looks away, and gets herself dressed. She’s done with classes for the week thankfully, and makes a small bag just in case he lets her sleepover. She puts on his hoodie she left with last time, hoping she’ll get to leave with another one. She wears it anytime she gets a moment, his smell has faded but she still remembers the musk he left it with. She gets the rest of her clothes on, then checks her phone, 7:25 p.m. She sees a text from her best friend, Davie, who’s spamming her. She tells her she’s okay, and she’ll tell her more later. She goes by the store, needing sustenance, she grabs these awful hot chips, two more pregnancy tests and strawberry ice cream. She remembers seeing brown sugar poptarts in Junior’s cabinet and grabs those too. She hopes he has real food leftover for tonight considering she needs a real meal, but for now this will work. When she checks out the woman at the register looks at her pink, blonde and brown hair and smiles at her. She says “How far along?” Jenny blushes, and mumbles “I’m not sure.” The lady nods, grabs something out of her bag, peppermints, from her own stash and places some in the grocery bag. “For the nausea, hun.” The cashier whispers with a smile. Jenny startled, smiles at her briefly and goes back out to her car.
On the drive to Juniors house she feels her stomach rumble and curses. After twenty minutes she arrives, she see’s his bedroom from the window lit up, and her soon to be half-daughter’s room dark. She thanks god silently and gets out of her car, her purse on one shoulder, the bag of snacks on the other. He opens the door before she knocks, he must’ve been waiting. He see’s the bag of things and raises an eyebrow. She shrugs and sets it down on his kitchen counter, forgetting about the tests in there for a moment and just wanting to melt in his arms. God, she’s missed him. He’s going to despise her in the next few minutes. Ignoring those lingering thoughts she reaches her arms out and he meets her halfway, practically picks her up. Oh, he’s missed her too.
He places her on the counter and doesn’t let go, she kisses his neck in appreciation. After what seems like hours she pulls away reluctantly, looks up at him, and kisses him sickly sweet, her hand carefully cradling his jaw, the other on his bicep. He groans, and she smiles against his mouth and pulls away and finally they exchange greetings. He starts to put whatever stuff she bought away in the cabinets mindlessly and he pulls out the tests before she remembers- Fuck. Not how she wanted him to find out.
He doesn't realize at first what it is, and she thanks the universe silently for him being so oblivious at the moment. He leaves them on the counter, and looks up at her again.
“Junior, we need to talk.”
Junior doesn’t flinch, but he nods, squeezing her hand like the professor did that afternoon.
“I need you to get your gorgeous eyes off me for a moment, and look at the box you blindly put on the cabinet.”
He raises his eyebrow and nods, then picks the boxes back up. She watches him holding her breath. He goes a little pale, but stays eerily calm. He places the boxes back down carefully, then looks up at her and says with an odd tone.
“We never used condoms?”
She shakes her head, waiting for him to freak out. He never does.
“I missed my period, I realized today in class, we were going over the reproductive systems, I threw up my breakfast in the bathroom at school, confessed to my professor, then told Davie after taking a test. I did find pink hair dye! but um…”
She stops talking, feeling herself about to ramble again. She looks at Junior, he’s stepped away from her, she gets scared and her eyes well up.
“I- um, bought these other tests to confirm it, but I understand if you don’t want anything to do with it, you already have Alice, I would never want to infringe on you two ever. If I am, I already know I want to keep it.” Her voice cracks weakly at the last word, and the tears the slip she wipes away fast not wanting to guilt him. She isn’t sure why she’s crying. Fear? Uncertainty? She isn’t sure.
Junior stays quiet a moment more, then walks back up to her and wipes her tears.
“Jenny, I’ll be here.”
She grabs onto him hard. He holds her head while she calms down in his neck. After a hiccup she asks embarrassed “Do you have any food?”
He laughs but nods, leftover spaghetti with the fanciest garlic bread she’s ever seen. She devours it, and he watches her the entire time, she isn’t self conscious although she should be, the parmesan she put on the pasta is on the corner of her mouth, but she can’t seem to care. After eating half the portion he gave her she dramatically sighs and rubs her belly. He nods in acknowledgment. She wipes her face and excuses herself to wash her hands at the sink.
“I have to pee, do you want to like… come with me?”
She says it so awkwardly she feels 16 again. He doesn’t acknowledge the pre-pubescent demeanor she’s sporting and nods, his face soft. She grabs a box then his hand. He watches her pee on the stick, and after taking care of her business they wait together silently. She drank enough water where she did both at the same time. He sits on the edge of the bathtub, and she sits on the toilet. She grabs his hand, plays with his hand like she used to do as a kid with her grandma. A comfort she never realized she needed at all times till now. He guides her to sit on his lap, she feels small, protected, the hand she isn’t playing with is steadying her on his lap. They check the sticks and it still blinks the word back at them.
He grabs the stick out of her hand softly, and puts the one in his hand back on the sink ledge.
“Do you want to go to bed?”
She nods, and gets up off his lap, he guides her to his room. He added another painting in the past few weeks. It’s something abstract, but beautiful, reminds her of the tattoo she has on her back, but she doesn’t look into that small detail too much. She takes off his hoodie she refuses to give back, and takes the soft pants she wore over, she doesn’t even think when she takes off her bra. Maybe she should, but he’s never given her a reason to feel shame. He smiles in acknowledgment. He only takes the t-shirt he had on along with his pajama pants her wore the last time. For a doctor with a big house, his wardrobe was less vast than she expected. She gets into bed on the side she was in last time he follows her in. She glues herself to him almost immediately, missing his skin already. Goodness, she’s terrified of how she feels about him and the possible little thing of cells in her womb. She holds him a little tighter. She doesn’t cry anymore that night. She sleeps. He pushes her to sleep with mindless traces of his fingers on her back and hands through her hair. He stays up that night. Wondering if Alice is sleeping soundly as much as Jenny is at this moment.
Fuck. Alice.
He tries not to make himself worry how his little girl will react to being a big sister. He texts one of his colleagues, asking to get into an appointment soon, she’s an OBGYN, and they haven’t spoken in a while. The doctor answers immediately, Junior lightly wonders why she’s awake answering texts knowing they have a shift tomorrow but chooses not to ponder on it. She fits Junior and Jenny in the next day, 2 p.m. while Alice is at school. He says a silent prayer and allows himself to rest that night.
The alarm for 6 a.m. blares, notifying him to get himself and Alice up for school. Jenny startles a moment, he whispers her sweet words, coaxes her backs to sleep and slips out of the bedroom. He knocks on Alices door 3 times, and she groans in the most teenager way exclaiming she’s awake. He sneaks back in his bedroom to put some clothes on to take her to school and observes Jenny. Her face is smushed into his pillow, that he knows smells like him, she looks peaceful. He can’t see much of her body other than the back of her neck and shoulders. He fell in love with the art on her back when they met. He saw a painting he loved and bought it because it reminded him of her, he hopes she didn’t notice.
On the drive to school, Alice humming quietly to the music she has queued on the radio he tries to make small talk, he got her favorite drink before school on the way there to try to ease her into a conversation he didn’t think he’d be having again, especially with his preteen daughter. “Do you remember Jenny, that woman you saw in the park, blonde streaks in her hair?” Alice’s eyes lit up, but then her brows raised suspiciously. “Yes, why? how is she?” He notices she seems genuinely interested and keeps the next few words concise in order not to ruffle any feathers before 9:00 a.m. “She might be coming around more often, is that something you’d be okay with?” He holds his breath, terrified of the girls response, it’s his first baby, he never would want to cause her any distress. He watches her face, once they hit a red light and after a beat “Can I dye my hair like hers?” Not the response he was expecting but he nodded, and then the preteen made a popping sound with her mouth and shrugged. “then sure.” He lets out a small sigh of relief trying to not be obvious that he is slightly terrified of the almost adolescent. They finally pull up to school, and she leans over to hug him like usual and walks inside the gates. He sits there a second, although it's longer than a second because the car behind him honks its horn in annoyance. He waves in the rearview out of apology and goes back home to the woman in his bed.
About 30 minutes later he makes it back to his place. He goes to unlock his door, the house is quiet, but he knows it won’t be in a few months time. Alice will be a teenager by the time the baby is born, he just hopes she won’t resent him. Trying to push those thoughts away he peeks in his room, she’s still asleep, this time the colorful cat is curled up against her, where her stomach should land. He read once that cats can sense pregnancy by heightened senses, and this seems to prove him right. Jenny starts to wake up a little and he watches her, the flutters in her eyes, she looks down at the weight nudged in her side and smiles down at the fluffy animal. She finally looks up at him, he’s leaning on the doorway, she keeps herself covered realizing she’s still half naked and he is very clothed. She props herself upon the bed frame and with a closed mouth smiles at him. She tries not to think of the way her face is probably swollen, and how her hair is sticking up.
He walks up to the bed and sits on the edge, he leans over to kiss her, its sweet, if she wasn’t laced with sleep she’d wonder if the syrup she tastes on him is real or not. She crawls into his lap, the jeans under her thighs creating friction a little and she moans to the feeling. She pulls away, delighted with how she woke up. He cradles her face, not even acknowledging that warmth between her legs and the glazed over eyes she sports. She leans her cheek into his hand, nuzzling like a dog in the grass. “I hope its alright, but I scheduled an appointment with a friend of mine, she’s an OBGYN, I know we won’t be able to see the baby, but I want to confirm your health— I know you mentioned before briefly about… but if the little sack of cells are going to hurt you, and I know you want this baby, we need a plan Jen.” She feels a chill go down her spine, the half naked state feeling vulnerable now, she gets off of him carefully feeling a little startled, she knew that was the reality, she only wished the bliss lasted a little longer. She tries not to worry him, so she nods, not being able to trust her voice and kisses him on the cheek. “I’m going to shower, is that okay?” Junior nods of course, and she walks out her skin on display, unapologetic.
He listens to her turn on the shower, then closing the door. The muffle of the water hitting the porcelain bath calms him. Did he come on too strong? Did he offend her? Should he have followed her in there? He looks down at his hands observing the lack of jewelry on his ring finger. When him and his ex-wife divorced he didn’t take it off right away. He liked the idea of belonging to someone, to provide. He’s a doctor. It only makes sense he is a natural provider. He wonders if she’d ever want marriage, if this would be a co-parent with sex in between situation. He hopes for the first option, he doesn’t think he loves her quite yet, but he wants to protect her till the day he dies. While Jenny is showering he gets his coffee maker brewing, knowing she’ll want a cup after the shower.
Jenny is scared. Terrified, actually. She peels the underwear off slowly, the arousal making her stick to the fabric. She wish he wasn’t so wonderful and thoughtful and just fucked her again. He scares her. She’s never had someone care so much and not want anything back in return. It feels unnatural to not be in fight or flight. They haven’t even established the status of their dynamic. They both thought there would be more time to figure that out. He always felt different from anyone else. She doesn’t know if it’s because of the circumstances they met in, or the level of safety and care he put into everything involving her. She wonders if it’s because of the baby, but logically he was that way with her before he found out that the consequences of their own actions won.
She walks around the lavish bathroom, she’s been in it a few times but never really alone. She looks at the walls, more paintings of artists she can’t pronounce. She wonders if Junior ever wanted to be a painter. Maybe he just really enjoys the fact he can make something plain a little bit less. She looks at her body, trying to not be scared of the inevitable stretch marks the baby will make in just a few weeks time. She doesn't know if her body will be able to handle creating another life. She briefly told him about her illness. Never quite told him the specifics, just that surgery might eventually be involved, and the treatment requires a monthly IV. Her disease isn’t genetic, but she hopes she doesn’t defy the odds and give her mess to the life inside her. She gets out of her head and decides to take a bath instead, she unlocks the door wanting Junior to be able to come in and out as he pleases. She lights the large over decorative candle that sits on the marble sink and dimmers the light. A heaven she didn’t know she needed. She puts on the softest playlist she could find, pianos, acoustic— quiet intentional noise. She gets in the bathtub carefully and smells the coffee brewing in the other room, she starts to cry. She has cried a lot in the past two days. She doesn’t want to bring her hurt to this baby, she doesn’t want to hurt them the way her mother hurt her. She hopes that the environment will be stable. Jenny and Junior's connection is new, but it’s the healthiest partnership she’s ever been in. She hopes the appointment isn’t filled with bad news. After calming down and watching her skin prune she drains the bathwater and sits on the side of the tub, wrapping a towel around herself. She would get dressed, but her clothes are still in the trunk of her car.
She braves the cool air of his house and tip toes to the kitchen. He's about to start doctoring the cups of warmth, she walks up behind him and kisses the back of his shoulder. He doesn’t jump, just hums in acknowledgment. “Babes?” He turns around at the nickname, cocking in eyebrow in interest. “I left my clothes in my duffel in my trunk of my car would you mind grabbing it— I would but I don’t want to accidentally flash your neighbors, my car is already an eyesore in this neighborhood.” His face relaxes, and makes note to talk to her later on about the insecurity of her means. He puts down the cream and winks at her but agrees immediately. Once he’s back in the house he realizes Jenny has already poured the cream inside both of the steaming mugs, he tries to protest but she kisses his cheek when she sees him with the duffle, drops the towel and winks at him, then scurries off to his bedroom to get dressed. He watches her tattooed body walk off, the crinkles in her thighs endearing in the sunlight.
Junior sits there speechless, like he used to sit in his college lectures learning about neurons and synapses. Mouth agape with a hand on his neck. He done for, smitten, totally lost for her. He is thankful to have met her. Maybe he does love her? He coughs, not welcoming that thought right now. They haven’t even established anything. Right now, despite his better interest, she is a woman that happens to have his baby inside her, and who he thinks of every moment outside of everything that occurs in his life. He prays to god she wants to be more than accidental co-parents.
Jenny comes out in baggy jeans he’s never seen and a cream sweater. It’s a little off the shoulder, but he loves the youth she expels. Bra straps and collarbones all the rage. Her skin is glowing. She looks beautiful, she always does, but she looks freer than he’s ever seen her. She does a little twirl, her hair is messy but effortless, the little bit of blush she put on adding to her charm. She puts on her glasses she wears when she feels her eyes start to strain, a side effect of her medications she whispered when he asked a few weeks ago. “How do I look?” He smiles at her, it reminds him of when Alice was a little girl playing dress up. He wonders if Jenny did it for her mom, and if her mom didn’t make her feel like she should. He has a funny feeling she didn’t get the praise she deserves, he decides in that moment to never make her feel inadequate in any way. “You look gorgeous baby, glasses and all.” She curtsy’s like a royal, then plops on the couch dramatically. She grabs his hands and kisses it in appreciation, he sees the way she’s smiling so hard her cheeks hurt. She hands her the coffee and bagel he made for her, along with a clementine and blueberries, he even added a sausage and egg for protein. He bought the salsa she mentioned she loved, the one she mentioned reminds her of her abuelita after realizing he had none in his pantry. He left it on the coffee table next to her, hoping he doesn’t give himself up as smitten. She grins seeing the salsa with the meal he made up for her, but then she frowns accusing him. “Babes, have you eaten?” She says it so concerned he sniffles a laugh, she looks like an angry lion cub to him. “Me and Alice got breakfast sandwiches, don’t worry.” She nods, frown going back to a small smirk, then starts to eat silently. He puts on a rerun of a show for background noise.
After she eats, she lays her head on his lap, feeling safe even in the uncertainty that arrives. It’s a little while before they have to leave, and she can’t help but wonder about the little thing budding inside her chest. The little life that has decided to show up in her making her flutter. His hands are running through her hair, he’s looking at the hair of a woman he’s only known for a matter of months. How in such a short amount of time, its become something divine. He breaks the silence, voice low, soft. “The pink is new.” He says it in a statement, her cheeks go rosy and she nods her head against him. “When I feel out of control, I find other ways to control it.” Trying to soften the words she adds a banter. “I also was tired of the blonde, needed a little bit of something, so now I resemble neapolitan ice cream.” He says trying not to break the comfort, but needing to address it. “The lines on your hips?” She bites her lip, nods. “They’re old, I have found better ways now.” They don’t speak after that.
Hours later, she lands in the passenger seat in a car she never thought she would sit in. She hums in approval of the leather seats, and the old stickers stuck to the door from Alices younger years. She feels herself getting nervous, and holds her middle. When they arrive at the clinic she feels herself freeze up, the reality of having a child bubbling up in the back of her throat, she goes green and looks at Junior. He understands immediately and grabs a bag shoved in the middle console and hands it to Jenny, she ends up vomiting her breakfast up. He soothes her holding her hair back, knowing she needs the courage at that moment. After the last gag she ties up the bag and holds it in one hand, face now pink, eyes glossy. He hands her a napkin wordlessly. After catching her breath, she says trying to not sound wrecked. “Would you happen to have gum from your Mary Poppins bag as well?” He smiles at her, then reaches to squeeze her neck. He of course does, being a dad of a preteen paying well at this moment. He hands her the stash of gum, and she shoves a piece in her mouth. She doesn’t move, and he gets out of the car. Walking to the passenger seat, he opens the door and looks down at her. She looks sad, embarrassed over something very normal. “Are you okay?” He whispers it, not wanting to startle her, making her feel anything but loved. She just reaches out, dropping the bag on the concrete for a moment, he embraces her. She mumbles sounding defeated. “Pretend I am still beautiful after that, promise?” He pulls back and brushes her cheek with his thumb. “Always.”
After disposing of the bag, he walks in with her, one hand on her back to guide her in silent support. She stays quiet, filling out the paper work. He doesn’t bother her, doesn’t force her to interact knowing the intensity of the situation is enough. After filling out the last line, she finally says. “I’m scared.” Her voice is so small, resembling a small child confessing they stole candy. “I am too.” She grabs his hand and squeezes it, attempting to fuze into him in the waiting room. Her name gets called after a few minutes, he doesn’t dare let go of her hand.
The nurse guides them to their room, on the way they're weighing her, asking the standard questions about her health history. At the end the nurse says “It says you have an autoimmune disease here, do we need to discuss different treatment with the doctor as well?” Jenny nods, the white coat syndrome creeping in. “I get an IV treatment every month, my doctor said it's safe till the last trimester, my symptoms are good most of the time, I’m just worried my body won’t handle it.” The nurse nods in understanding, tells the two, the doctor will be back in a moment.
After minutes, that felt like hours there’s a light but firm knock making Jenny jump, realizing she’s been disassociating since she’s walked in. “Jenny?” She nods, and shakes the doctor’s hands, greeting with a half smile. “Junior.” The tall doctor barks, all blonde hair and piercing eyes. Junior hugs the other doctor, briefly mentioning med-school buddies. “So, Junior gave me a brief summary, and my assistant did too. How are you feeling Jenny?” Jenny smiles, a little watery. “Terrified, but alright. I have heard of pregnancy horror stories, and I know with my autoimmune issues it might worsen normal symptoms- but um Junior makes me feel safe and-” She gasps and blushes. “I’m well.” The doctor nods knowingly. “Well, that’s good, I know you’re gonna be alright, having a doctor as a baby daddy won’t hurt. I will tell it to you straight as I am sure you know, pregnancy is either easy or rough for people with certain autoimmune conditions, some are the best they ever felt, some are monitored the entire time, because you do your monthly IV’s it might complicate things, but it is safe during pregnancy, until the last trimester. It is safer to monitor those last few weeks because of the baby getting ready to leave the protection of your womb. Junior told me you met about two months ago, would it be okay if I did an ultrasound? Assuming that is around the time the baby was conceived we should be able to see something.” Jenny nods quietly. She’s thrumming with relief, and less fear, and thankful. She looks at Junior looking at him for any emotion, and he smiles at her, less worry in his brows.
She lays back on the table, lifting her shirt up. Junior watches his colleague squeeze the cold jelly on Jenny’s belly, the squeal coming from her lips. Jenny looks over at him, reaching for his hand, he takes it, squeezes it softly. The doctor warns her then puts the probe on her skin. There’s no sound for a moment, which makes Jenny freeze, after a slight nudge and angle, the monitor bursts with a rhythmic beat. The little blob resembles something human, Jenny bites her lip with tears welling. Fuck. It’s real.
Junior doesn’t say anything, just kisses her hand in response. He doesn’t regret it. Although it doesn't go past him how the responsibility of a practicing doctor slept with someone with no condoms. He doesn’t like to dwell, there is nothing to dwell in truth. Knowing that the god he love sit’s with him in silence. After a few minutes the doctor says “Prints?” They both startle forgetting someone else was in the room. “Yes!” They say it over each other, and the doctor just smiles, hands Jenny a wipe to get off the remains of the jelly.
Once given the pictures, they sit in the car after the appointment just looking at it. The little blob on that photo making them both fantasize and wander, about the life they made.
If you need support with sexual assault, domestic abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts, chronic illness support, mental health , eating disorders or just someone to talk to, visit these links attached. <3
Authors Note:
Hello everyone! I have been gone for a while. Not much has happened, but also everything has. I will write about that later. I decided to start the end of the accidental hiatus with a fiction piece about my most devastating character: Jenny. This has been sitting in my drafts for months, and I will keep expanding on it because I want to make this a continuous storyline, diving into them as a couple, individuals, parenthood and the Alice of it all. I write for myself. A small silent passion I keep for myself. I hope you didn’t mind it. It would be a little funny if u guys missed my writing, then read this and hated it. I have already started expanding on it more despite if it’s not well rated, I’ll try not to make it a year in between parts this time. (Hopefully).
I hope everyone is doing well.
with love, Ashley <3
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Such a beautiful story. I wanted to know the people personally…you made me care for them!