Ready, Steady, Go!

1,2,3 times.

When I was 14 I told a boy with gap teeth and too many freckles I would blow him for money

He was never brave enough to ask

I remember the red on his cheeks and the fear in his eyes of the girl before him saying something so vile in history class

The first time fingers went inside that weren’t my own was two weeks into high school, I pretended to cum so it would stop

The last time fingers went inside me that weren’t my own was 7 months ago, it hurt, I was sore from the night before, I took it, didn’t think I was allowed to pull away, I only came out of biological reaction not out of pleasure

He kissed me after, and I cried on the way home digging my nails into my palm, punishing myself for allowing him in

The first time I blew someone was after I watched a tutorial on pornhub

I always loved things in my mouth, maybe I wasn’t orally satisfied as a child

I would chew on barbie dolls, rubber bracelets and wrappers as a kid.

I drove past his house for the first time in months

I saw his bedroom light on

Wondered if he was alone or with someone betrothed

If he had his hands in his pants or hands inside another

I had a drink after, smoked cigarettes I couldn’t afford

I ONLY SMOKE CIGARETTES WHEN HES ON MY MIND

I contemplated calling him for the millionth time this week

I wanted to put out the cigarette in my skin to punish myself for still wanting him

mania has been the prophecy of this time

I prefer it over depression

less tendencies, more decisions

I got a tramp stamp a few weeks ago

My version of one

It’s become my favorite muse

I had a man I gave myself to last year reach out

It could help.

Allowing myself to let go and let a beautiful man teach me about the beauty in myself again.

I went out every night this week.

Saw bands I have loved for half my life.

I threw myself in the crowd, left with bruises made by elbows and fists.

Blood lined my jawline.

I licked it off my fingers and salvaged the iron with my tongue.

I threw up my guts hours later.

The crash of adrenaline and overuse came up with the stomach acid that danced on my teeth.

I woke up sore and happy the next day.

The more things I buy, the more people I fuck—- is a way to keep myself fed.

I want to do these things,

at least I think I do.

But I think it’s another way to delay my greatest deprave.

I’ll repent on Sunday.

Manon Bannerman

If you need support with sexual assault, domestic abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts, chronic illness support, mental health , eating disorders or just someone to talk to, visit these links attached. <3

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